Let me start by saying I don’t know what you’re doing on this website. Had some free time between Oprah and Dr. Phil? So you thought to yourself, “Hmmm…I wonder what’s new with Kiwi. I know! I’ll check her blog!”
If you had this thought, you obviously don’t know Kiwi. If you did, you’d know she isn’t organized enough to blog. And that’s where I, her wonderful and talented assistant Hope, enter the picture. I’m here to supply you with all the latest and greatest Kiwi news. I’m pumped, are you?
Hypothetically, let’s say that if Kiwi was organized enough to update this blog, she wouldn’t be able to right now. You know why? Because she’s on strike! PENCILS DOWN MEANS PENCILS DOWN! Look at her in action. (Notice in the first photo, a little dog is sticking out of her purse. That’s a Chihuahua she found on the street last week, which I have unfortunately been forced to care for. For my sake and Pearl’s sake please contact us if you want to adopt this dog. In the second photo the guy’s face you can barely see is Kiwi’s new BFF Marc. She made me write that last sentence.)
“Hello, gorgeous!” I’m not talking about the photo, I’m quoting a classic line from “Funny Girl.” By Isobel Lennart, a WGA member. And if Isobel Lennart was still alive I guarantee that she would be on the picket lines shouting, “When I say Moonves, you say douche bag.” “MOONVES” “DOUCHEBAG!” Right next to Kiwi. Go to www.unitedhollywood.com and sign the WGA support petition; if you don’t, Isobel Lennart will haunt you from her grave.
In other urgent and late-breaking news, I showed up for work today and Kiwi didn’t have pants on. Again. Doctors say that my vision will return in 4-5 hours. Hopefully, it will come back sooner because someone’s car is in the shop and it’s now my privilege to drive Kiwi around town. Highlights of our magical car rides include — Us fighting over what songs we are going to listen to (a battle I never win unless it’s Britney Spears). Kiwi repeatedly telling me how to drive and which route to take. Kiwi: “I would go left here. Left, Hopers – left!” Hope: “Oops.” Then of course there is the constant mumbling, “Ugh…Hopers, I feel bloated. Why did you let me eat that chocolate chip cookie?” What’s not to love, right?
And even with the bloatation, she finds time to work (pre-strike, of course.) Kiwi and Karen just finished a rewrite on a script called THE UGLY TRUTH. Katherine Heigl (GREY’S ANATOMY, KNOCKED UP) just closed a deal to star and Robert Luketic (LEGALLY BLONDE) to direct and shooting starts April 13, 2008. I’m about to do something I never thought I’d do – I’m going to give Kiwi a compliment. They rewrote the bejesus out of this script. Without Kiwi and Karen this script probably would have been in what we here in the business like to call “development hell,” forever. This script has been around so long Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck were once attached to star. When they were dating. But Kiwi saw the potential in the script and now it’s finally being made! Take this as a lesson, kids: if you follow your dreams and work hard, you too can help save the world from another Ben Affleck bomb.
So, keep checking in for updates — you never know when I’m going report about a text message asking if I can grab her “nice” underwear from the drawer and bring them to her before she goes out to dinner. When I go out to dinner, my underwear is never exposed, but that’s just me.
UPDATE: I’ve just spotted the reclusive Kiwi and I’m happy to report her pants are on, however she seems to have lost her shirt somewhere. And yes, they’re real.